Consciencebound

My friend Paul wrote this and I thought it was really good so I am re-posting it here.  It provoked a very long discussion on Facebook which has been quite good.  I hope you find it interesting…

I am writing from exile. I have been out of the Church now for over 4  years, because ultimately, my conscience led me here. As many of you know, I was once a Calvary Chapel Pastor and missionary, but it slowly stopped making sense. I do have reasons for this, but that is not what I am writing about now. I was taught to believe that people like me became this way because of a gross sin, or because they loved the world more than they loved God. I now know this to be a lie. I am really not much different morally than I was then, nor do I wish to pursue things that would harm myself or others. Ironically, to be quite honest, I think I’m a bit more moral than I was then. I am most definately way more honest.

I’m not writing to make a case for leaving Fundamental Evangelicalism, because I know that to be a waste of time. The real point of writing is to ask a question to those who prefer Dogma over their own conscience when they collide. My question is:

If Conscience brought you to believe a certain Dogma, what do you do when that same conscience tells you to leave it?

A friend of mine who is also no longer involved in Christendom uses the analogy of Martin Luther. Martin Luther, upon leaving the Catholic Church, gives conscience as one of the reasons for his “protest” against the Catholic Church. “For a man to deny his conscience is neither right nor sane…..here I stand I can do no other”. As a Protestant, I found that statement to be very moving. I still consider it to be moving. However, the Catholic Church found it to be heresy.

For whatever reason, the high value of following ones “heart” seems to be a commonly held belief. As Joseph Campell puts it, to “Follow your Bliss” seems to be the key to happiness and fulfillment. He goes as far as to say that Maslow’s theory of five human needs mean nothing to a man who lives his passion. Following our heart is obviously a foundation for happiness and true fulfillment.

So…what happens when the very part of you that led you to “Absolute Truth” informs you of its error? What is to be said by Dogmatitions on this matter? Is it that I or my many, many friends here in exile were simply not saved? I can assure you that I have felt deeply the Dogma I believed as a Christian. I was fervent, bearing all the internal marks of having been saved. Telling those of us in exile that we were never really saved is at best an insult, and at worst an obvious cop out. If such a thing as being saved exists, I most certainly was. In time, however, it just stopped making sense. Not only to my head, but also in my heart.

It was ultimately my Conscience that told me to not preach another day; my conscience that brought me to meet with the elders of my church and tell them that I was no longer fit for ministry in Calvary; my conscience that brought me out of dogma. I’m glad I followed my conscience, because I am so much happier now.

I know that many Evangelicals no longer believe the “Essentials” but don’t have the….ahem… intestinal fortitude to admit it. They have grown out of a need to be absolutely certain about them. They live in misery and conflict, because they have studied all the apologetics books, listened to all the finely crafted reasons why most people are going to burn in a lake of fire…but they are still convinced in their hearts, if pressed, that being Dogmatic is just silly….. And divisive. To those of you out there in this camp….c’mon man, grow a pair. At least start asking questions. What are you afraid of? The truth will set you free, remember?

I remember as a Pastor thinking sadly about backsliders. The fact is, many “backsliders” are simply people who don’t have the courage to admit to their Church friends that it just doesn’t make sense to them anymore. They know it will castigate them, and push them further into exile with me…and many of my friends. We are exiled by choice, but it still feels like exile nonetheless. We are of no value to the church because we no longer believe a certain set of interpreted Bible facts. We are sinning. We are evil. We are warped and worldly. This underlies most of the sentament that has come my way since my departure. It’s a travesty of reason and dignity, and It most certainly has nothing to do with love.

Upon walking down from the pulpit on that fateful Sunday morning, announcing to the church that my theology no longer allowed me to uphold the general beliefs of this particular church, I have had maybe 3 people approach me to ask for a deeper explanation. Don’t get me wrong, i would rather not have to explain it 100 times, and I’m not hurting for more friends, but I would think that hundreds would have at least tried. Nope. 3. Ok…maybe 4. Well, I guess if you count gawks and stares at the mall and other public places, it would be more. I guess I could also count the children that have told my daughter that we were evil, or the fact that my former “Senior” pastor advised his staff to never speak to me again. And yet, I felt as if I was beginning my first steps toward freedom and truth. I believe this more strongly today after 4 very, very difficult years.

Anyone else out there bordering on Exile? Anyone else feeling as if reason and conscience brought them to grow out of the Faith of their Fathers? Do some of you find yourself listening to the “Great Oz” while being distracted by the little man behind the curtain pulling the knobs? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Paul

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