Chuck Norris Facts That Cannot Be Denied
This is just too funny that I had to break up some of the serious discussion with some comedy. I am literally wiping tears from my eyes as I post this:
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
23. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
24. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
25. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
26. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
27. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
28. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
29. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
30. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. We know this drink as Red Bull.
31. Chuck Norris’s Shit is “The Shit”
32. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” but before you can ask “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
33. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, hes stares them down until they give him the information.
34. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
35. According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday
36. When Chuck Norris poops the toilet flushes for him.
37. Chuck Norris doesnt have orgasms, orgasms have a Chuck Norris.
38. In reality Chuck Norris has no name. He killed it.
39. when chuck norris drinks beer, the beer gets drunk.
40. Chuck Norris invented MySpace to find people he hasn’t round house kicked in the face yet
41. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
42. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
43. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f#$@ with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
44. It takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
45. Chuck Norris once stopped a speeding train with his left testicle.
46. It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.
47. According to the Bible, Jesus Christ died to save us from our sins. In the original translation, “sins” was Aramaic for “Chuck Norris.”
48. The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball that Chuck Norris played when he was 8 years old.
49. Chuck Norris can eat a blue whale. He chooses not to, because he thinks it’s funnier to beat them.
50. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.